Our training manager sends out newsletters and they often have funnies in them. Here is a recent sample he shared. It’s advice from a senior captain:

Never turn down a hotel room from the company;
Never answer your phone on Christmas;
Always tip your van driver;
Always buy the first round at the bar during a layover;
New hires never pay for a meal when you are around;
Weather is always better avoided than penetrated;
Speaking of penetrated, if you want to retire with any money, keep wife #1;
Speaking of weather — don’t ever push it. Five years from now nobody will remember being peeved at you for being two hours late because of weather. Their families will remember forever if you pushed it and killed their relatives;
Never attend a union or company meeting on a nice weather day off;
You can never get back a Christmas you missed with your kids;
Ten knots too fast is way better than ten knots too slow;
Never give a flight attendant your phone number;
Never eat Mexican food at a non Mexican restaurant;
Don’t brush your teeth in India unless it is with a new toothbrush and beer;
There is not ever a situation in which being on reserve isn’t terrible;
Peanuts and black coffee isn’t breakfast;
Every airplane, even the 777, feels like crap if you are flying it at 3 a.m.;
Don’t poop in the airplane lav — ever;
Never slip a Boeing 727 to a landing. A 767/757 is OK to slip a little, but never a 727;
If a senior company official ever asks what you really think, don’t tell them;
Never drink with a check captain or the FAA;
Don’t trust a Chief Pilot with anything;
Try not to kill anybody or bend any airplanes; and
Deny, deny, deny …